Drugs fuel me all day,
You think gas is expensive?
Try filling my tank.
Looked in the mirror,
Did not recognize my face,
Without the white line.
Frost bite on my nose,
Knew it's too good to be true,
Skiing's not for me.
Chug down a bottle,
Devour a whole eight ball,
Oh, you wanted some?
Nose candy and booze,
Porno stars and prostitutes,
Daily shopping list.
Two and a half girls,
Did not expect that at all,
An extra penis.
Swerving all over,
Speech is slurred and can't think straight,
Sobriety sucks.
Beer cans everywhere,
A pile of dead hookers,
When is trash pickup?
Piles of cocaine,
Gallons of expensive booze,
And the problem is?
Flaccid in old age,
Crushed Viagra in my coke,
Take a line off this.
Wait for my comeback,
My career will be revived,
Right after my heart.
White powder in sight,
I lost all my self-control,
Now I'm out of salt.
A dead, bloated corpse,
Found face down in a dumpster,
We all have our goals.
My show got cancelled,
Just flushed millions down the drain,
Wish I'd snorted it.
Your plight entertains,
Ranting and raving all day,
Please don't die, Charlie.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Charlie Sheen Haiku
This post is thanks to @taradublinrocks (http://twitter.com/taradublinrocks) who I got the "Charlie Sheen Haiku" idea from...
Car wrapped around tree,
Hooker is dead in backseat,
I'll just buy new ones.
Booze and drugs to cope,
Porn stars for fake affection,
Daddy don't love me.
Snorted some flour,
Could've sworn that it was coke,
Now can't make bundt cake.
Drugs and booze don't help,
Can't fill the void in my soul,
Prostitutes help though.
Just got to hotel,
Trying to get a penthouse,
Maybe a room too.
I can't feel my face,
Smile for the camera,
Another mugshot.
You watch them at night,
I do them all of the time,
Porn stars are awesome.
Backseat is sticky,
Full of gut-wrenching odor,
I need to shower.
Had to take drug test.
Of course I did not pass it,
Melted the bottle.
Go buy my movie,
Need more royalties for drugs,
Coke is expensive.
Nose won't stop bleeding,
Liver beginning to fail,
Living the high life.
Hooker's everywhere,
Pint of vodka, pound of coke;
Favorite breakfast.
Penis might fall off,
From nasty rampant disease,
It was well worth it.
Wake up in vomit,
White powder all over nose,
Trust me I am fine.
Burning when I pee,
Constant itching in my pants,
Gotten used to it.
Starting to crumble,
Maybe it is time to quit,
More coke? Nevermind.
Snort, snort, drink, vomit,
Ready to start all over,
Need to call dealer.
Alcohol and drugs,
Porn stars all over the place,
What is wrong with this?
Syringes on floor,
Three still stuck in my forearm,
When does filming start?
No rehab for me,
I can do this by myself,
Is this a dumpster?
Clothes smell of stripper,
Head pounding from hangover,
Tuesday afternoon.
Eating at diner,
They asked if I'd like more coke,
What's this dark liquid?
Face down in a ditch,
On Hollywood Boulevard,
It sure is crowded.
Coke and prostitutes,
Daddy's job made me famous,
President someday?
Car wrapped around tree,
Hooker is dead in backseat,
I'll just buy new ones.
Booze and drugs to cope,
Porn stars for fake affection,
Daddy don't love me.
Snorted some flour,
Could've sworn that it was coke,
Now can't make bundt cake.
Drugs and booze don't help,
Can't fill the void in my soul,
Prostitutes help though.
Just got to hotel,
Trying to get a penthouse,
Maybe a room too.
I can't feel my face,
Smile for the camera,
Another mugshot.
You watch them at night,
I do them all of the time,
Porn stars are awesome.
Backseat is sticky,
Full of gut-wrenching odor,
I need to shower.
Had to take drug test.
Of course I did not pass it,
Melted the bottle.
Go buy my movie,
Need more royalties for drugs,
Coke is expensive.
Nose won't stop bleeding,
Liver beginning to fail,
Living the high life.
Hooker's everywhere,
Pint of vodka, pound of coke;
Favorite breakfast.
Penis might fall off,
From nasty rampant disease,
It was well worth it.
Wake up in vomit,
White powder all over nose,
Trust me I am fine.
Burning when I pee,
Constant itching in my pants,
Gotten used to it.
Starting to crumble,
Maybe it is time to quit,
More coke? Nevermind.
Snort, snort, drink, vomit,
Ready to start all over,
Need to call dealer.
Alcohol and drugs,
Porn stars all over the place,
What is wrong with this?
Syringes on floor,
Three still stuck in my forearm,
When does filming start?
No rehab for me,
I can do this by myself,
Is this a dumpster?
Clothes smell of stripper,
Head pounding from hangover,
Tuesday afternoon.
Eating at diner,
They asked if I'd like more coke,
What's this dark liquid?
Face down in a ditch,
On Hollywood Boulevard,
It sure is crowded.
Coke and prostitutes,
Daddy's job made me famous,
President someday?
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Most Interesting Dog in the World...
When she scooches her butt across the floor it actually cleans the carpet.
When she goes in the neighbor's yard, they run out to pick it up.
Her bark has been sampled by Puff Daddy.
She's the dog they let out.
When she barks constantly, the neighbors call and wonder what symphony that is.
She digs perfect circles.
Calvin Klein sniffed her butt to design a new fragrance.
She was the subject of at least five of Shakespeare's sonnets.
Following her example, kitty litter has become a delicacy in several countries.
She's the subject of the Mona Lisa.
Her tail-wagging powers the house.
On Easter, the neighborhood children come over and go on a hunt in the backyard. But, they aren't looking for eggs.
The sound of her really getting in there and cleaning herself has been turned into relaxation tapes.
You can tell where she usually marks her territory on walks because of the wildflowers that grow there.
Instead of fetching the stick I threw, she convinces me to go get it and bring it back to her.
Her hot breath in your face can cure migraines. And it smells good too.
She never had to be fixed...she's just a classy bitch.
When she goes in the neighbor's yard, they run out to pick it up.
Her bark has been sampled by Puff Daddy.
She's the dog they let out.
When she barks constantly, the neighbors call and wonder what symphony that is.
She digs perfect circles.
Calvin Klein sniffed her butt to design a new fragrance.
She was the subject of at least five of Shakespeare's sonnets.
Following her example, kitty litter has become a delicacy in several countries.
She's the subject of the Mona Lisa.
Her tail-wagging powers the house.
On Easter, the neighborhood children come over and go on a hunt in the backyard. But, they aren't looking for eggs.
The sound of her really getting in there and cleaning herself has been turned into relaxation tapes.
You can tell where she usually marks her territory on walks because of the wildflowers that grow there.
Instead of fetching the stick I threw, she convinces me to go get it and bring it back to her.
Her hot breath in your face can cure migraines. And it smells good too.
She never had to be fixed...she's just a classy bitch.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
50 Things I've Learned in Retail...
1) Customers come and customers go, but a child is always screaming.
2) Work clothes double as an invisibility cloak.
3) Unless, the customer has a question. Then they become shining beacons.
4) Store shelves and trash cans are impossible to tell apart.
5) A mother's ability to ignore her screaming child is a marvel of nature.
6) It's my fault. If we're out of something, my fault. If we don't carry the product you want, my fault. If it's too expensive, my fault.
7) If five people are in the entire store, at least three will be exactly where you need to be.
8) Also, those five people will all decide to check out at the same time.
9) Apparently, shopping consists mainly of standing in one spot and staring at the shelf for a long time.
10) No matter how obvious, you will be asked if you work there.
11) The worse the accent, the more complicated the question.
12) When in a store you don't work at, you will sometimes react when you hear someone say "Excuse me."
13) Ad signs are harder to figure out than quantum physics.
14) When something won't scan, the joke "I guess it's free then" never gets old.
15) Many children seem to be worried their parents will abandon them in the store so they leave a trail of crumbs to find their way out. Their parents, of course, don't notice.
16) Whether I realize it or not, I'm always trying to rip people off.
17) People treat public restrooms like a rental car.
18) Unsolicited advice on running the store is just another perk of the job.
19) Did I mention the screaming children?
20) People have time to spend an hour in the store, but are in a desperate hurry when waiting in line.
21) No, I'm not sure if we carry "those things, that...you know, those...you use them to...they're kinda like, uhhh..."
22) I'm not only an associate at the store, I'm also a personal shopper for people on the phone.
23) A cell phone up to one ear makes the other completely deaf.
24) The person right in front of you has no importance compared to the person on the phone.
25) Some people don't want to be satisfied. Complaining is somewhat of a hobby for them. If they were satisfied, they'd be bored to death.
26) Twenty cents can become a million dollars when someone thinks they're getting screwed.
27) Putting an unwanted product back where you got it is simply out of the question.
28) The store's closing time is only a suggestion.
29) "I can help the next customer" often comes across as "I can help whoever runs over here fastest whether you were next or not."
30) Cleaning up after adults is just part of the job.
31) Understanding and explaining the policies of the credit card you signed up for is my responsibility. And if you don't like those policies, I'm to blame.
32) Running into me with your cart is equivalent to "pardon me, could I get by please?"
33) They should have just used fine print to pass secret messages during WWII because nobody ever reads it.
34) Never underestimate a child's ability to repeat the same phrase over and over and over again.
35) The concept of "inside voice" died long ago.
36) Your running late is my problem.
37) Having very little holiday-related products left the day before the actual holiday is a travesty. It's also my fault.
38) Supposedly, everything the customer has ever wanted is in the back. I'm just too lazy to go look.
39) Coupons should work all the time, every time, and for anything. And if they don't? My fault.
40) The coupon policy was my idea and I enforce it only to make the customers' lives more difficult.
41) The return policy was my idea and I enforce it only to make the customers' lives more difficult.
42) Glaring at me isn't going to make the line move any faster.
43) When crouched down, I'm face-to-face with small children. And they don't cover their mouth.
44) When on the 5.am. truck shift, don't go to bathroom after the driver.
45) I'm checking your $100 bill, not because I have to, but because I don't trust you.
46) I never realized I could listen to the same songs so many times without going completely insane. However, when Paula Dean comes over the speaker I've considered stabbing myself in the ear drum.
47) Christmas music can consume your entire life.
48) A perfectly recovered aisle is a fleeting instance.
49) I really wish I knew how to use every product in the store. I really do. But, I don't. And I apologize for that.
50) And oh yeah...the screaming children.
2) Work clothes double as an invisibility cloak.
3) Unless, the customer has a question. Then they become shining beacons.
4) Store shelves and trash cans are impossible to tell apart.
5) A mother's ability to ignore her screaming child is a marvel of nature.
6) It's my fault. If we're out of something, my fault. If we don't carry the product you want, my fault. If it's too expensive, my fault.
7) If five people are in the entire store, at least three will be exactly where you need to be.
8) Also, those five people will all decide to check out at the same time.
9) Apparently, shopping consists mainly of standing in one spot and staring at the shelf for a long time.
10) No matter how obvious, you will be asked if you work there.
11) The worse the accent, the more complicated the question.
12) When in a store you don't work at, you will sometimes react when you hear someone say "Excuse me."
13) Ad signs are harder to figure out than quantum physics.
14) When something won't scan, the joke "I guess it's free then" never gets old.
15) Many children seem to be worried their parents will abandon them in the store so they leave a trail of crumbs to find their way out. Their parents, of course, don't notice.
16) Whether I realize it or not, I'm always trying to rip people off.
17) People treat public restrooms like a rental car.
18) Unsolicited advice on running the store is just another perk of the job.
19) Did I mention the screaming children?
20) People have time to spend an hour in the store, but are in a desperate hurry when waiting in line.
21) No, I'm not sure if we carry "those things, that...you know, those...you use them to...they're kinda like, uhhh..."
22) I'm not only an associate at the store, I'm also a personal shopper for people on the phone.
23) A cell phone up to one ear makes the other completely deaf.
24) The person right in front of you has no importance compared to the person on the phone.
25) Some people don't want to be satisfied. Complaining is somewhat of a hobby for them. If they were satisfied, they'd be bored to death.
26) Twenty cents can become a million dollars when someone thinks they're getting screwed.
27) Putting an unwanted product back where you got it is simply out of the question.
28) The store's closing time is only a suggestion.
29) "I can help the next customer" often comes across as "I can help whoever runs over here fastest whether you were next or not."
30) Cleaning up after adults is just part of the job.
31) Understanding and explaining the policies of the credit card you signed up for is my responsibility. And if you don't like those policies, I'm to blame.
32) Running into me with your cart is equivalent to "pardon me, could I get by please?"
33) They should have just used fine print to pass secret messages during WWII because nobody ever reads it.
34) Never underestimate a child's ability to repeat the same phrase over and over and over again.
35) The concept of "inside voice" died long ago.
36) Your running late is my problem.
37) Having very little holiday-related products left the day before the actual holiday is a travesty. It's also my fault.
38) Supposedly, everything the customer has ever wanted is in the back. I'm just too lazy to go look.
39) Coupons should work all the time, every time, and for anything. And if they don't? My fault.
40) The coupon policy was my idea and I enforce it only to make the customers' lives more difficult.
41) The return policy was my idea and I enforce it only to make the customers' lives more difficult.
42) Glaring at me isn't going to make the line move any faster.
43) When crouched down, I'm face-to-face with small children. And they don't cover their mouth.
44) When on the 5.am. truck shift, don't go to bathroom after the driver.
45) I'm checking your $100 bill, not because I have to, but because I don't trust you.
46) I never realized I could listen to the same songs so many times without going completely insane. However, when Paula Dean comes over the speaker I've considered stabbing myself in the ear drum.
47) Christmas music can consume your entire life.
48) A perfectly recovered aisle is a fleeting instance.
49) I really wish I knew how to use every product in the store. I really do. But, I don't. And I apologize for that.
50) And oh yeah...the screaming children.
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