"No, ma'am, actually I don't. I'm actually a vet at a rehabilitation center for seeing-eye dogs who have been run over by cars. Of course, they've shown that being a seeing-eye dog may not be their best option, so after we heal their broken bones we re-train them to be companion dogs for sick children with adorable speech impediments. It's a lot of hard work, but it's worth it to see those brave little fighters look up at you with their big eyes and say, 'Fankew'.
However, when I get some time away from that job I enjoy going into retail stores and pretending to work there. It's kind of a hobby. I just go to the store, look at what the employees wear, then I buy clothes to match and come back and pretend to work there. You'd be amazed how long I've 'worked' somewhere before they noticed. This is actually my seventh month at this job.
Oh, the name tag? I ordered a bunch of them online and I bought a label maker to print labels for them. Pretty much every store uses the same basic name tag so I usually just have to spray paint it and it works just fine. The RF Scanning Gun? I ordered it off EBay. It doesn't really work, but it does make beep noises so that's all I really need. I just walk up and down the aisles re-arranging things and pretending to scan stuff every once in a while. The clipboard is my favorite, though. Carrying around a clipboard just makes me feel like I'm doing important stuff and I don't have time to look around for something to write on.
Does it get boring? You'd think it might get a little boring, but for some reason it just makes me feel alive. The screaming children, the rude customers, the monotony...It just makes life worth living. If I wasn't able to put this uniform and name tag on, carry this RF scanner and clipboard around, and bend down pretending to scan things like I was when you asked me if I worked here, I don't know what I'd do.
In fact, I've been considering quitting my vet job to see if I can get a job doing this full-time. Can you imagine that people actually get paid to do this? The constant shrieks of small children being ignored by their cell phone addicted mothers has always been enough to make it all worth it, but to get slightly above minimum wage at the same time? I'd be in heaven. Everyday would be like waking up to a dream.
But, I'm kind of stuck in my current job because of a tragic accident at the crosswalk between the cane store and the Braille book store, so until I can get those dogs rehabilitated and putting smiles on the faces of sick children I'm just going to have settle with pretending to work here in my spare time. But maybe, just maybe, someday soon I can actually get a job here. But in the meantime, no ma'am, I do not work here."
