Pain

Without pain, there'd be no regret.

Without pain, there'd be no sorrow.

Without pain, there'd be no agony.

Without pain, there'd be no suffering.

Without pain, there'd be no sacrifice.

Without pain, there'd be no courage.

Without pain, there'd be no compassion.

Without pain, there'd be no kindness.

Without pain, there'd be no purpose.

The collective stench of humanity has settled heavily upon you,
The stains of time discolor your once pristine appearance,
But who among us does not need you?
In the most desperate of times you are always there,
It's not your fault you have been left to ruin,
Forgotten and ignored until needed most,
The human animal reveals itself it you in its basest form,
But you do not judge,
You only bring relief to those who freely disparage you.

Who has let you get this way?
Who has let you become a stark reminder of man's true nature?
Is it not all of us?
Have we not all failed you?

Yet you wait.
Willing to take the worst people have to offer without thanks or gratitude,
Simply there to release human beings from their most common sufferings,
And never expecting anything in return.

If only we could be like you, O Dirty Bathroom Stall,
If only we could all be like you.

"What's the point?" The thought echoed in his mind. It was an agonizingly rhetorical question with no answer. "Even if I achieve everything, all my hopes and dreams, will it really make me happy? What am I doing? Where am I going?" Nobody heard him, but his own tortured self. Pity was has one true companion. The world around him went on with its shallow thrills and pointless happiness. "What are they smiling for? What have they done? If only I could find joy in those empty pleasures. We want, we desire, we get, and then we just want more. It's an endless cycle of longing. A longing that begets longing. It hurts, it makes life miserable, yet all these people walk around letting the fleeting happiness be their ultimate goal. Nobody wants to help anyone. Nobody wants to really make a difference. Everything is selfish. Even the 'good' things. Why does this miserable place exist?" Every thought was negative, tinged with hopelessness. He stared down into the ground, cursing the Earth for being there in the first place. "This little rock that spawned life, full of maggots and death, infested with selfish beings that care about nothing but themselves. Suffering goes on, people are dying, there's rape and slaughter going on at this exact moment, but these people don't care. They have their cars and gadgets. Simple, stupid. They think they're happy. Good for them. Let them smile and live in constant denial of the way things truly are." He overheard a meaningless conversation at the table next to him. "Nothing they're saying is important, yet they take it so seriously. Petty things that don't matter. They make us either happy or sad. Bring joy or pain. Our whole lives revolve around petty bullshit that doesn't mean a thing. We'll be devastated if our phone breaks or elated that we got a new one. All the while, the world is full of suffering. People cry over their phones at the same time someone is crying over a murdered loved one. Tears fall for cracked screens at the same time tears are falling for a bloody corpse. Why? Why can't we all just snap out of our blind existence." The shuffle and noise continued all around him. He sat there, still. Like a rock in a river. Unmoving, unflenching, but feeling the rush of water pushing against him. The rush of a humanity in a hurry to go nowhere. But he sat still, feeling disconnected with these people. He wanted no part of it. The river flowed, but he wanted to stop it. Tell these people to wake up and look around. "Nothing matters!" he wanted to scream at them all, one by one as they passed. He wanted to see the fear in their eyes and watch the joy wash away from them as they realized their meaningless place in existence. He was a simply a messenger, telling the truth. But he knew no one wanted to hear it. "They're too busy living out the fantasy cultivated since the beginning of thought. Desire for triviality. Happiness, sadness, the measure of a life's success is all triviality and nothingness. Empty. Shallow...Things." He knew all his efforts would be in vain. "Nobody wants to change. Nobody wants to realize that their entire life is simply a wave of ups and downs based upon simple desire that will never be satisfied. Nobody will ever be truly happy. Nobody wants to be. It's enough to feel the momentary, artificial pleasure of artificial things. That's all people want. Things. It's too much and never enough. Chasing idols to show off to their 'friends' and disappointed when they have something better." It got to be too much. The anger and distraught overtook him. He did the only thing he could do. He stood up, gave a pleasant smile to a person that passed by and re-immersed himself into the river he had just hated so much. He disappeared back into the illusory existence. The rock had turned back to water and flowed along with the rest. In a hurry, but going nowhere.

Escalation of Silence

Sometimes,
Quiet reflection can turn so loud,
Thoughts arise in the head,
For so long not allowed,

Buried deep these mines,
Only by accident found,
Detonated by silence,
Synaptic shockwaves pound,

Resonating electric explosions,
Unseen civil war in the mind,
Home is their only front,
Don't seek and thou shall find.

From ambush battle wages,
Cerebral singes blacken inside,
Only attrition can bring peace,
Back into recesses they hide.

Hope When Hopeless

Never let go of hope. Hold onto it like it’s your most prized possession, even though no one can ever take it from you.  Even if it's the most irrational, ridiculous hope in the world, never let it go. Even if the rain's pouring down and the dark clouds seem to stretch forever, put your blanket down over the wet grass, carefully set out the food from your basket, and get ready to have the best damn picnic of your life.

Hope is the only thing more powerful than despair. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that." That famous quote from Dr. King holds true for hope and despair. Even the smallest willingness to let the sunlight of hope cascade down on the dirt of despair can germinate the tiny seed buried underneath it. Eventually, with enough light, that seed will grow into a deeply-rooted flower of optimism that will only gain strength with each sun-filled moment that passes. The buds will bloom and cover what once was dark and gloomy with bright bursts of color.     

The best part is that the seed is inside you. Hope comes from within and it is always there. Nobody can take it away from you, but it can be strengthened. Search for people that make you happy, focus on your spirituality or find whatever brings you joy and comfort and you will have a light that is always shining even when all else is dark.

When others have given up on you, even at that darkest point when you've given up on yourself, the light of hope never extinguishes. It forever burns inside waiting to be brightened by a spark of compassion. People care about you. People you don’t even know. Every second there are people sending out prayers and thoughts for those who need them. These sparks come from everywhere.

But more importantly, you can be the spark. Look your situation straight in the face and say, "I refuse to let you take away my hope. I control it. Not you." No diagnosis, no opinion, no worst-case scenario, no dread, nothing can take it away. It is inside you. You control it. Hope is always there.

"If I should die before I wake..."

This post is a result of a writer's group event. We were given three prompts and then 20 minutes to write 500 words on the one we chose. I chose "If I should die before I wake" This is the result. Please excuse any typos. I haven't edited it other than within the 20 minutes.


“If I should die before I wake,” she said as she knelt before her bed. Before she could finish the nightly ritual, a force she had never felt before swept her up. Wrapping itself round around her a like whirling wind, it lifted her off the floor and carried her to a place she had never been before. Nothing was the familiar to her; everything around her was foreign and new. It felt like she was experiencing everything rather than seeing anything. Bright colors, exotic sounds all filled her senses at once. The scent of blue wafted into her nostrils, the sights of sounds filled her eyes.

Her mind could not even begin to comprehend where she was or how she had gotten there. It was too busy trying to process all the new information it had never encountered. Had it just gone haywire? Was she still kneeling before her bed and never even left her room? These were simply unanswerable questions. Her mind, like eyes adjusting to the dark, had yet to “see” what was all around.

Her body felt weightless. The force unknown had taken control and was carrying her body all through this maze of perception. It was an unwelcome, yet not unpleasant, tour that took her mind to places it had never been before. The colors, the sounds, the sights, the smells all mixed into an impossible combination. She did not know what she was seeing. She did not know what she was feeling. She did not know anything. But her mind felt no fear; her brain didn’t tell her panic. She floated along as if down a peaceful river of twisted perceptions.

Then, just as sudden as she had been lifted, she was set back down to where she had been kneeling in front of her bed. She did not feel scared. The experience left her feeling a calm she had never felt before. Like her body had been washed of all anxieties and fears. Like she was a brand new person whose painful memories no longer haunted them. They had left; gone away like a shadow as the sun slowly sunk behind the horizon.

She had yet to open her eyes. They were squeezed shut like they always where when she prayed. Each lid opened, slowly revealing the same bedroom she had always known, but had never felt before. She was back to reality, back to where she had always been. Although her journey had been pleasant, she was still relieved to be back in her familiar world. The one she understood.

She finished her prayer and crawled into her bed, pulling the covers over herself. The softness and warmth of the blankets made her feel at home after her journey that seemed much longer than it had to have been. Just before she leaned toward her bedside lamp to turn it off, she was going to perform her other nightly ritual. She reached for the frame, but it was not there. The picture of her beloved grandmother who had passed years before was no longer there. This was the first time she felt panic. She was confused and scared that something she cherished so much was gone. She yelled for her parents.

But, before the sound even echoed down the hall, a wave of peace suddenly washed over her again. She heard a familiar sound, a voice long unheard…”Dear, are you ok?” A figure appeared in her room…”Grandma?”